He buzzes around my head
Whacking me with his wand
Trying to get me to laugh, to cry
To weep, to snort.
He swats my butt with his forked tail
He trips me as I take the stairs
He reaches up my nose
And pulls out all the hairs
He gives me noogies
And Indian burns
He cracks my knuckles
And kicks my shins
He spins me 'round and 'round
And sends me toward a ditch
And laughs and laughs
When I fall on my ass....in the mud.
He tells me sad stories
Of how tough he had it growing up
He makes me cry
And then calls me a chump
He pulls the threads on my new sweater
While endlessly talking about the weather
And giving me wet willies
And wedgies.
He farts in my bed
And traps me under the covers
Forcing me to breathe
The stench of his fairy ass
He grasps my back fat
And says, "looky looky!"
He hikes my stretchmarks
Like the Appalachian Trail
He tells my friends I snore
He tells my boss she's a bore
He tells my neighbor I'm a theif
He tells my parents I hate their roast beef
I dare not nap when he's around
He'll write "penis" on my forehead
He'll dunk my hand in warm water
And freeze my bra.
He knocks my drink off the counter
He leaves rakes lay around my yard
I know he wants me to step on them
And whack my forehead very hard.
One day I'll get lucky
And step on him.
2 comments:
You know him too, huh? His antics remind me of Drop Dead Fred.
You've inspired me, Big Orange, to embrace the scatalogical.
I don't think I'll name him, though. He's a composite of all the assholes I've ever met or read about. But Fred will do in a pinch.
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